The resolutions of Katniss Everdeen
by Mariline18
Summary: What are the resolutions of Katniss for the New Year?


_Note: Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that the English language is not my mother tongue. So if you see any mistake, please tell me so I can correct them. This is based on "The Hunger Games: Mockingjay" by Suzanne Collins._

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><p>New Year's resolutions of Katniss Everdeen.<p>

Resolutions. What a piece of crap in my opinion. I had to accept Dr Aurelius' calls, if I didn't the Capitol's people would get here and take me away. I despite them more than I despite the good Doctor, so from now, I have to accept his treatments.

His new idea for me to move on is to make a list of at least ten resolutions for the New Year. I hate it, I hate that he forces me to live, to move on, without her. She is dead and she will never come back. I am well aware of that fact, I saw her be burnt alive, becoming a ball of fire. That image won't get away, it is always here, in my head. But I can't make myself accept the fact that my little duck was killed in a war where she was too young to fight. I did everything I could to save her, but I was not enough.

Let's begin this list, the resolutions for " A New Year in peace " like that stupid doctor said.

-I will get up for other things than my natural needs.

Yeah, that's rather pathetic but I can't make myself going to the shower, or cleaning the house I hate. I don't deserve to live like nothing happened in a house that reminds me every day that my sister won't come back, that my mother ran away from the district 12, from me. I did not realize until I came back that I would need my mum so much. I never needed her, I became the chief of the family when my father died, I was needed, now I need my mother to be strong again and to force me getting up. She is not here, and she will never come back, I am on my own.

-I will go hunting in the woods again.

I have to get up first, but let's not talk about that little obstacle. Hunting has always freeing for me. At first, it was some sort of obligation, I had to feed them, so I hunt like my father taught me so long ago. It was hard in the beginning, but I loved it. The forest around District is my sanctuary. Correction, it was my sanctuary. Gale is gone too, without him I can't find the desire in me to go back. Furthermore, I can say that I killed enough for an entire life time.

-I will talk to people who try to reach me.

I know I have to, but I don't want to talk. It seems so stupid to have a conversation with people who lived though as much horrible things as I did. Talking to my mother would remind me of Prim, that would remind me that she ran away from me, that she doesn't want me anymore, that they are all gone. I could talk to Haymitch, but with a little thinking, I can say that it is not possible. He is drunk all the time, it is so much worst than before; for all I know he could be dead by now. Effie tries to reach me too, but I don't want more contacts with the Capitol's people than absolutely necessary. For Plutarch, my prep team and other from the Capitol, I don't want to talk to them for the same reasons. They don't understand what the war did to me, they will never do.

-I will be interested in other people's lives.

Seriously, I don't say that I don't care about others, but in some way I do. All the people I know are either from the Capitol, either were part of some Hunger Games, or fought in the war. They all remember me of what I lost when I think about them. Annie Cresta is pregnant with Finnick's kid, and that child will never know his father, and Annie will never get out of her head. Finnick helped her to not think about her horrible games, but he is not here anymore so she will get lost again, she will never be sane again. Johanna is all alone, like me. She was strong after her games, after the murder of her family, but the war and the torture in the Capitol killed her strength. Gale left me, like my mother did. Haymich doesn't want me to care, he wants to be left alone, period.

-I will think about Peeta.

I try to not because it is too hard. They took the boy of the breads, they stole him from me. At time, I wished he died, I wished everyone had died, but now, I don't know. Dr Aurelius told me he made some progress, that Peeta believes him when he tells him that I am not some kind of mutt sent to kill him. He doesn't want to kill me, but he doesn't love me anymore, and that's the worst. There are not lots of thing that I am sure are real, but I was as sure that Peeta loved me as my own name. Now I can't believe anything anymore. I want him to be the old Peeta, the one that loved me. But I can't ask that, because the people change after a war, I have changed so much that I can't recognize myself anymore. Do I love Peeta? I don't, because I can't feel anything expect guilt, sadness and fear.

-I will stop holding a grudge against everyone, myself included.

I blame Gale for inventing the bombs that killed my sister. I blame Beetee for helping Gale. I blame Johanna because she never shows her fears. I blame Annie for being able to get lost in her head when the world around her is too cruel. I blame Haymich for being able to forget the "voices" by drinking himself into oblivion. I blame Dr Aurelius for trying to help me moving on. I blame Enobaria for being from District 2. I blame my mother for running away. I blame Sae for preparing my meals. I blame the District 13 for cautioning the war. I blame the Capitol for inventing and organizing the Hunger Games, which leaded to the war. I blame Coin for making me a piece of her games. I blame Snow for creating those games. I blame the people who are alive for surviving. I blame the people who are dead for not being here. I blame Prim for becoming a doctor. I blame Peeta for not loving me anymore. I blame myself for everything that happened, for my surviving, for my murders, for all the desolation.

-I will make the "voices" and the nightmares go away.

I am crazy. I already was by the end of my first Games, but now it is so much worst. I want them to stop blaming me, to stop suffocating me under the weight of my guilt. Before the 75th Hunger Games, I heard the voices for time to time, and the nightmares were hard, but not like they are now. The "voices" are here all the time. They blame me, they ask for my death, they never leave me a break. The nightmares are the worst. I see Rue, the sweet and gentle Rue, trying to slit my throat with a horrible looking knife, or Clove who's really slicing my face in pieces. Prim is on fire, burning and trying to take me with her. Peeta strangles me, his eyes as dark as the night. I am afraid of going to sleep, and I am afraid of waking up. I don't know how to solve this problem, how to be sane again.

-I will make the difference between what's real and what's not.

Again, another problem with my sanity. There are some things that are real for sure.

_I am Katniss Everdeen, I volunteered for my sister, I survived the 74th Hunger Games. District 12 has been destroyed, but I live in District 12, why? Because the new government doesn't know what to do with me. I escaped from the arena of the 75th Hunger Games. District 13 are rebels. Coin killed Prim. I couldn't protect Prim. Peeta loved me, does he now? He wants to kill me. I killed everyone. I am all alone._

Yeah, I really am crazy. Sometimes when it is really a bad day, I can't even recall what my name is, or why I am where I am, or how old am I. I completely lost my mind, but that's OK, I don't really care anymore.

-I will accept Prim's death.

I can't, period. She was my everything. I wouldn't have cared to die at the age of 12 if it was not for Prim. And now she is gone. I wanted her happy, safe. I didn't want her killing or be killed in the Hunger Games. My sweet Prim who cried when I tried to teach her how to hunt, my little duck who loved her horrible cat so much she nearly died to save him from the bombs. She wasn't meant to die, I did everything to keep her alive, did I? Could I have not done more? Of course I could have. If I had eaten those berries, if I hadn't gone to the Capitol for killing Snow I could have forbidden her to go. I lived for her, my baby sister, my greatest sunshine. I don't want her gone. I still expect her to pass though the door. I want a reason to live. I want my little sister back, I want them to give her back to me. They were not allowed to take her, to take her life. Please, let her come back home. Please, Primrose, my little flower, don't leave me alone in a world where I don't belong without you.

-I will not kill myself.

Suicide, sweet Oh so sweet idea. The thought of not being part of this horrible world anymore rejoices me more than it should. I think about it, sometimes. Cutting the arteries in my wrists, taking so much morphing that I would have a heart-attack. I want to do it, I really do. I could see Prim again, climb on trees with Rue, have Finnick teasing me about being a prude. I could hunt with my dad again, and thank Wiress for being so perceptive. I could apologize to Madge for making Snow bombing the District 12 which leaded to her death and her family's death. I really would like to give my thanks to Cinna and Tresh, Thresh for sparing me, Cinna for being the bravest man I ever knew. I would like to tell Twill and Bonnie that we made it, the revolution and killing President Snow. Death would be the solution of all my problems, I would be free. But before dying, I really would like to see Peeta, only one time. I want to apologize to him for not being the same anymore, for not loving him enough, for leaving him in the hands of Snow.

_5 years later._

I found this piece of paper, it seems it was meant to be nothing Dr Aurelius asked Katniss to do. I decided to see if she keep her promises.

-I will get up for other things than my natural needs.

She did it. It was hard at the beginning, physically and emotionally. But she got up and showered and made her own meals, even if she always preferred when I did it. Someday she stays in bed, because even if she wants to get up, she can't. But when the pain from the loss is overwhelming, I stay with her in bed so she won't be alone.

-I will go hunting in the woods again.

She went hunting, but not that much, and not wholehearted. She doesn't like it that much without Gale anymore. I made his own life in District 2, Katniss says it's OK, but I don't think it is. She misses her friend from before all the horror that happened.

-I will talk to people who try to reach me.

I had to force her a little, but she cried with her mother on the phone, she insulted Johanna when she had a nightmare time to time, she asked Annie about her son. She even eats with Haymich every Monday nights. She accepts the calls from Effie, sometimes; but it is kind of harder to make her accept visits, but we work on it. She is not really open with people, but she talks more than she did, even before the games.

-I will be interested in other people lives.

She tries. She asks a lot about Finnick's son, and her mother's job in the new hospital in District 4. She even cares about Haymitch health, but I think it is an act. She cares for him, but she doesn't care if he drinks, she understands, I do too. But together we restrain him to not kill himself with a bottle of alcohol.

-I will think about Peeta.

She did, but not at the beginning. She says it hurt to think about me, because of the brain-washing the Capitol did to me. But I am happy to say that she did not forget about me. I was always here, in some hidden part of her mind.

-I will stop holding a grudge against everyone, myself include.

She couldn't. She stopped to blame several people, but I know she still blames some. Her mother, Gale, Snow, Coin. She tried, but she can't stop to blame them. She still blames her too. All the time. I tell her that it is not her fault, but she doesn't believe me, she is so stubborn, she has always been.

-I will make the "voices" and the nightmares go away.

We do it, every days and very nights. Together.

-I will make the difference between what's real and what's not.

She was able to. She worked a lot on it. And she did it. I did not. Most of the time I can make the difference but when I get lost she is the one to save me. We save each other, that's how we work, how we always did.

-I will accept Prim's death.

I am sorry to say that she did not. She never will. She lived for her, she still does. She knows that she is dead, but sometimes she chooses to forget that fact, to imagine that her sister will come home soon. She thinks about her every days. She calls for Prim sometimes late at night when she thinks I am asleep. She begs her to not leave her alone again, to come back home to live with her. She apologizes too. It is hard to see her like this, my Oh so strong Katniss. But I stay, I never leave.

-I will not kill myself.

She did not commit suicide. She stayed alive for me. Because whatever the dreadful things that happened to us, we have always been here for each other. She tried, once, before I came back. It was the day of Prim's Birthday. It was to much, so she cut her wrists. Sae found her the next morning, cold and nearly dead. She called the new doctor and he saved her. Dr Aurelius never knew. After that incident I came back, and I protected her, like she did for me in the past.

I am Peeta Mellark, and today the love of my life, Katniss Everdeen-Mellark, became my wife.


End file.
